So I just vlogged a bit about my family where I mentioned how awesome my mom and sister are, but then I forced myself to mention that yes, I had a dad and no, he isn’t still alive. So I left it hanging, took a break while uploading the video to read some old posts about my dad, and now I’m back here writing about this super meta experience.
I’ve been doing myself a huge disservice by not expressing myself through blog or song or whatever. “I’ve been working too much” is a phrase I’ve thrown around a lot — something I may or may not believe at any given point — but I can 100% confirm that I haven’t been expressing myself much more than venting on the train ride home from work. What happened to playing in orchestras?
Seriously. ORCHESTRAS. I haven’t belted out a symphony in over a year. :(
The passing of my dad timed with the transition from college into the working world basically destroyed my eco-system. I’ve done a pretty good job of surviving since then, but that’s not enough. I need to thrive, and that’s something that most people don’t understand, probably because I don’t like bitching to people who might not get what I’m talking about.
And honestly, that’s because I’m scared. Scared shitless of being rejected and what self-wrath that may bring.
The vlogging thing has been good because it’s been a routine, and I like routines. It’s probably my first routine, actually. Work isn’t a routine. If it were routine, I’d be able to tell you what I’m doing tomorrow and the only thing between my plan and reality would be my inability to slug one out for the team.
Frankly, a lot of times I just feel like crumpling into a ball, singing songs to give the illusion that “I’m okay.” 0_o
Just the other day I had some friends over and they were relating about how good it feels to have an up day after a bunch of really down ones. I was about to nod my head in agreement, but then one of them says, “Dan, you probably don’t have these days.” I made a face as if to protest, and then my other friend said, “Yeah, Dan emo tweets a lot.”
I probably sound really ridiculous and “immature” because it’s just a lot of writing and not a lot of experience to back up my feelings. Not immature because of the subject material, but immature because I don’t want to discuss the details of serious, personal information. If I came across this blog, I’d totally call bullshit on it too because there’s too much verbal hype.
So yes, I’m aware I’m trading quality writing for privacy right now. And given how I feel and where my mind is these days, I think that’s actually a good idea.
The thing I do want to do, though, is revisit the idea of seeing a therapist. I saw a counselor in college once when I was failing out of half my classes, and my family strongly suggested I see one after my dad passed away. As is true to my personality, I’ve waiting until I’ve done too much damage to myself, so now I think it’s perfectly okay to go see a therapist.
I’m going to go read more blog posts about my dad, maybe flush out my eyes a bit. Here‘s a good one.